toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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