I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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