I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize