Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
