Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
