you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
