Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
