he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The feeling are messing with the penis
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
