remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.