Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.