There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
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Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.