Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
