I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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