Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
