Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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