Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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