I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
