Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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