I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
