Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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