I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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