I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
