She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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