I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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