my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
