Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
