Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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