that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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