i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Text me some of your sweat
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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