I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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