my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
