I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
