First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?