Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I licked your asshole in confidence.