My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.