I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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