The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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