I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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