hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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