My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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