i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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