Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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