I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
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Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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