apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she looked like the before picture.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
