I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino