good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?