I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
