I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
