My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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