Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
