After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
