Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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