my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
