So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
