The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
