New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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