Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Randomize
