just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
